Plane ticket: ordered
Wow, hitting “submit” to order my flights for going to China was really nerve-racking. Sure, I’ve been planning this for a while, but now it feels final. I leave February 1. Done.
It was also weird because ordering the flights also had the conversation of B and I deciding if he would take me to the airport Sunday morning or Monday morning. Subtext: after taking me to the airport, would he prefer coming home to an empty apartment with signs of my departure everywhere, or would he rather go straight to work to deal with a job he hates and emotions of his girlfriend leaving. That was a depressing thought, especially knowing that that day, and this next semester, will be a lot harder for him than for me. At least I’m escaping my crappy job and I’ll be pretty busy with work and networking/socializing in China.
I’ve cried once so far about leaving B and the U.S. I expect it is the first of a good few crying occassions. Not only am I sad about being apart from B, but as he puts it, I don’t handle instability in my life very well.
Driftingfocus said,
December 16, 2008 at 8:01 am
Yeah. I feel bad about “leaving Marc behind”. I know that he is having a harder time of things than I am. Here, I am in a new place, that’s at least interesting in its frustratingness. I’m in a new place, somewhere he has only been for a short time, and so there are not really any direct reminders of him here, other than the photos I have around the apartment, etc. He, on the other hand, has been left behind, and is surrounded by reminders of when I was around. He is not having an exciting life at the moment – just teaching and studying – and so he feels pretty lonely at the moment. It’s funny, I miss Marc, but almost more than I miss him, I feel bad about leaving him at home.
Little Swallow said,
December 16, 2008 at 6:30 pm
“It’s funny, I miss Marc, but almost more than I miss him, I feel bad about leaving him at home.”
This pretty much sums up how I felt about the last two times B and I were apart for a significant length of time (me studying in China previously, and Middlebury last summer).
Driftingfocus said,
December 17, 2008 at 6:09 pm
Yeah, it’s like, I feel that by being away and having fun while he sits at home alone that I’m sort of not holding up my end of the relationship terribly well. Does that make sense?
Little Swallow said,
December 19, 2008 at 10:25 am
Totally. I feel like that by choosing to do this, I’m not putting my relationship first according to normal standards — which is not true, I’m just not letting my career take the back seat.
There was an interesting interaction with another staff person the other day. She came up to me and said, “Oh, I heard you’re going to China, that’s so exciting!” I said something in response, and then she asked a question I’ve gotten a lot recently, “So is Brian going with you, or…?” I told her no, to which she quickly responded, “Good for you!”
Everyone else who asked this question then responded with, “Aww, that’s too bad.” This was a first, but I must say, it was the one I really needed to hear. I could tell what she meant: that I was doing this big, bold thing without necessitating that my relationship be an integral part of it. I need to do this, even if my boyfriend can’t be by my side — and she got it, and approved. It really made my day.
That, by the way, was our new Dean of Students.
Driftingfocus said,
December 19, 2008 at 6:30 pm
That’s a good omen for the new DoS!