Shedding Layers
This is the best analogy I can think of to describe my feelings of these past two weeks or so. I feel like I’m taking all the pieces that make up my life, shedding them off, and giving them away.
I certainly don’t mean to intend that I’m “shedding” the people in my life — I certainly don’t want to do that! It’s the every day routines and responsibilities that I have been leaving, one by one. The realization a month ago that I wouldn’t get as much knitting done as I’d hoped to get done before leaving. The last time I went to the English student’s house to tutor her. The last invoice I processed a payment for at work. Cleaning out my personal items from my desk and then looking at it, still set up with office supplies but empty of the plants and other items that made it my little home away from home. Seeing my colleagues for the last time before I leave. Seeing my college for the last time before I leave, knowing that when I come back, I will not have the connection to it that I have maintained since walking onto its campus five and a half years ago.
Today, a few friends came over to make Chinese dumplings, a dinner party get-together that happens probably at least once every 1-2 months. I said something, probably about the food, that was like, “Maybe next time I’ll …” B gave me a funny look and said, “Next time?” I realized that if there was going to be a next time with this group of friends, it would be six months from now, and after that, who knows. And when they left, there was this silence, this emptiness, partially because they are good friends and I don’t like goodbyes, and partially because I felt it was also a goodbye to everything in my current life — and I gotta say, I like my life and most things in it.
I look forward to going to China, but more than that, I look forward to a new routine, another “every day” life to hold on to. Right now I’m stuck in the land of in-between.
Why “Bold Little Swallow”?
(This was also added as a new page on WordPress for future visitors to this blog who may wonder what’s behind the name “Bold Little Swallow”.)
Some people recently have asked me about the name of this blog — or rather, they have teased me over it (“Oh hey, it’s little sparrow — or is a little starling?”). So here’s the explanation of it:
In Chinese culture, the swallow is a well-liked and auspicious creature, often a symbol of springtime and, since they are often seen in pairs, they represent romantic love and couples. It is also associated with a popular type of kite popular in China, especially in Beijing, which actually was named Yanjing (literally: swallow capital) in older times. The kite, called “Beijing Swallow Kites”, “Sand Martin Kites” (after the name of a type of swallow), “Beijing Sand Kites” and etc, is colorful and has the shape of a swallow in flight. This was the inspiration behind one of the Fuwa (Olympic mascots) for the Beijing Olympics. (Purely by coincidence, I also have a keychain of this Fuwa, given to me by a Chinese scholar who has no idea about this internet alias of mine.)
Swallows seem representative of a sweet, gentle temperament and youthful optimism. Though still in my twenties, I find myself getting bitter and jaded about quite a few things, and I would like to make an effort to be more happy and joyful.
However, many people who are happy with a sort of youthful, childlike joy are often also meek and can be pushovers. As a friend of mine put it, I definitely have a bit of chutzpah in me, a quality that I really like in myself. The best translation I’ve found for chutzpah (and Jewish friends, do feel free to correct me) is audacity, a word that comes from the Latin word for “bold”. Not only is it good for self-preservation (preventing one from being a pushover), but I think people overall need to be more assertive and bold in whatever they do. There is too much injustice in this world, too many people who will take advantage of others, too many goals and dreams that are abandoned, too many fears and worries bogging people down. In order to make this world a better place, it takes a proper ratio of starry-eyed optimism (the spirit of a twitterpated springtime birds) and chutzpah or boldness.
Hence the name.
For those who know some Mandarin Chinese, this blog’s name also was chosen along with its Chinese translation: 大敢小燕. Not only is it four characters (and Chinese just loves four character phrases), but it also plays with the contrast of “大/big” and “小/small” within the phrase.
Travel Blog for China
Here’s some info about the blog situation for me right now: I have a few blogs under this alias (amazingly enough, Little Swallow isn’t my real name!), primarily to keep this information private from future net-savvy high school students and also any employers that would be biased against my spiritual and/or political beliefs. Specifically, they include this blog (my personal/misc blog), my Tarot blog (Counsel of Cards), and my blog on spirituality (The Swallow Alights). When I start teaching, I may also be making a teaching blog, but we’ll see.
In addition, I have set up a travel blog under my real name. This is for two reasons: so that family can see what I’m up to without seeing the rest of my personal blog (because let’s face it, sometimes I will not always be saying glowing things about certain family members), and so I can utilize this information for future students. Once I go to China, I plan to still update this blog with more personal things that go on or misc commentary on whatever (as I do now), and I will update my travel blog once or twice a week with a more public-friendly entry about my experiences and travels. Most if not all of my photos from China will go there. I don’t expect a significant drop of entries on this blog, but it’s possible.
Hope this isn’t confusing. Anyway, if you’d like a link to my China travel blog and you don’t already have it, reply to this post or email me, and I’ll email you the link.
2009 Predictions
I don’t normally write about Tarot in this blog, but I thought I’d share: I pulled a Tarot card for 2009, which was the 8 of Wands/Staves. An excerpt from my favorite Tarot website:
Before acting, we think, imagine, speculate, talk and dream. This is the realm of air – the sky. Then, finally, we decide to make our move. We bring our ideas down to earth and put them into action.
In readings, the Eight of Wands is often a sign that now is the time to declare yourself. All the elements are ready and will work for you as long as you don’t hesitate. The iron is hot – so strike! If events are in motion, they will proceed rapidly. You may feel caught in a whirlwind, but soon the dust will settle, and you see how your plans have fared.
I found this quite suitable, as I’ve been planning to go to China to teach English for a few years, and now suddenly it’s only a month away.
According to the Chinese lunar calendar, the new year hasn’t come yet: Chinese New Year is on January 26 this year, and will be the Year of the Ox. For those interested, I found this Chinese astrology horoscope online, which goes over the Year of the Ox for the whole world and also for individual signs. I’m a Tiger, so here are some of the notable excerpts for me:
The Good:
You will be very popular this year and might be able to use this time to participate in more people oriented activities to enjoy and reap the benefits. Greater authority or responsibilities will be given to you this year, and this will be an opportune time to prove yourself. …
The Bad:
However, do not get carried away as the challenges this year will be sudden and harsh. …
Be careful not to allow yourself to be duped. This year, males will have better luck than females. For females, your luck will improve if you work together with males or seek help from males. …
Your wealth luck will not be good. …
You might also be prone of being robbed this year so avoid flaunting your wealth unnecessarily. …
If you are attached, there will be a stronger possibility that you will move on to the next phase of your relationship such as getting married. …
You should not take all the wining, dining and friendly smiles at face value as some people will have ulterior motives. …
Hrm, seems to be more bad than good, but from glancing at a few other signs, it seems that everyone’s in for a tough year. Maybe that’s normal for Chinese astrology? Their films and literature sure love tragedy, so why not astrology?
